Stephanie Woods is right to draw attention to how hard it can be to care for someone who didn’t care for you (The impossible task of caring for ageing parents who did not care for you, 20 March). While some carers find it a privilege to look after someone they’ve had a loving relationship with, others feel trapped by a sense of duty, or by societal expectations, to care for someone they aren’t close to or who doesn’t value them.
Changes to how social care support is funded and provided cannot come soon enough for anyone who feels that they have no choice but to care. In reality, if unpaid family carers stopped providing daily practical and emotional support to people living with dementia, there would be chaos. There are simply not enough professional home-based carers, care home places, or hospital beds, to manage the consequences of thousands of vulnerable people left alone and at risk in their own homes.
And so carers keep caring. Even when they feel they cannot keep going. Even when emotions are complex.
It should be the right of every family carer to decide if they want to care for someone. We should be making it easier for people to choose what they do and how much support they provide. However, without sufficient funding, resources and care professionals, this will remain a distant reality.
Frances Lawrence
CEO, Dementia Carers Count
As an orphan who cared for my grandfather for four years, and my autistic uncle for the past 24 years, I know what it’s like to care for relatives who never cared for you. My grandfather didn’t visit me often as a child, and my uncle cannot care for himself.
Here’s what I have learned. Never bring your relatives into your home. It is not kindness; you are just making yourself a prisoner. A lot of supportive housing is not ideal, but you are better off spending your time visiting your relative, arranging additional caregivers for them, being the advocate for quality of care, or finding a higher-quality space for them, than being isolated in your house. That way, someone else is paid to do the daily tasks of food, laundry, cleaning and showering, leaving you free to advocate for them. This also means you are free to come and go as you please.
You never need to accept abuse or cruelty. If it starts, you pack up and go. Also, don’t accept the idea that women have to be the caregivers. Men who don’t step up to help, don’t get your time and energy. Period. There is a big difference between caregiving and self-flagellation.
Katheryne Schulz
Toronto, Canada
